You guys. I really suck at writing lately. I have opened my computer probably half a dozen times to post a blog entry and I just suck at it. I have writers block. My brain is broken. No mojo. I don't know what's happened to me.
Anyway, this simple blog entry proved to be just as difficult. Bleh bleh bleh.
Kirk had the opportunity to attend a special event at Lyla's school this week. It was technically Grandparents Day, but we had to get creative since we have yet to adopt any grandparents in Texas. I was feeling sorry for ourselves and complaining about all the nonexistent memories our kids are making with grandparents. I really tried to focus my energy on all the goodness that exists in our lives, but the truth is my heart was hurting. I miss Idaho a lot sometimes. Kirk took notice of my sadness and suggested he attend as Lyla's special guest instead. I gave this idea two thumbs up.
Kirk's job can be full of surprises, so we decided to keep it a secret from Lyla. We didn't want her to be disappointed just in case he had to cancel last minute. Plus, surprises are super fun! The day arrived and Kirk was able to make it. YAY! I was excited to show him around our school and took him to greet Max first. Max's class was not celebrating Grandparents Day, but I still wanted Kirk to stop in to say hello. Max was completely shocked when he saw Kirk. He ran right up to him and wrapped his arms tightly around his neck. *Que the water works* Then we let Max get back to his normal routine and continued to Lyla's classroom.
I entered Lyla's classroom first, as she was expecting me to join her for lunch as her special guest and nobody else. Kirk entered the room as she was washing her hands and sat down next to me at the table. Then Lyla turned around and saw him, which is when I expected the joyful embrace to happen. I had this big vision of Lyla being so excited and surprised but it was actually quite the opposite. She completely ignored him!!! I knew at this point she was overcome with nerves, but I still stated the obvious, "Hey, Dad is here! Aren't you excited?!" She honestly looked like she was about ready to cry. She held up one finger toward me and said "shhhh please just be quiet." We sat down for lunch and she was silent the entire time, so opposite from her typical demeanor at school. It was obvious she felt uncomfortable. It was weird having Dad in her element at school. It's totally okay and I completely understand. She wasn't being rude or sassy. I could tell she was just having a moment of being so overwhelmed and not wanting any attention on her whatsoever. I am SO familiar with that feeling from my childhood. I felt sad for her, but it was also a moment of genetic-fascination because she is so much like me. And my dad too! It's so crazy to me.
Anyway, lunch continued and they eventually made ice-cream sundaes. It was time to tour the book fair and I finally saw my girl shedding away all that fear. She was her happy, outgoing self again as we stopped by Max's classroom to bring him with us to the book fair. The school is so strategic planning Grandparents Day the same week as the book fair, turns out it works on dads too. It was a really fun day! I feel bad that I was initially so grumpy about not having any grandparents nearby, because having Kirk there made me really happy. And I think Lyla was happy too, despite her being unable to show it in the beginning. My kids are loved and we are so fortunate.
I feel like I've been wasting way too much energy feeling mad lately. It can be exhausting. The lack of grandparents on Grandparents Day is just one example among the spoonfuls of negativity I keep piling on my plate. It's so important to me to practice gratitude daily, but recently I've been doing quite the opposite. I have a bad attitude, as even Lyla pointed out. Bless her honesty. I keep finding myself choosing one bad moment that's happened and allowing it to impact me for the rest of the day. In doing this, I've raised the bar to an impossible level of perfection and it's so frustrating. I'm so hard on myself, my kids, my marriage, and every aspect of life that I easily forget about all the happiness that does exist in my life.
I think I need Lyla to get back on board with the Frozen obsession because having "Let it Go" on repeat every single day was actually really inspiring. Ha! It used to be so easy for me to let it go within five minutes. I kept low expectations and could almost instantly release angry feelings back into the universe, but now I keep a tight grip on that shit like it's actually worth something. And I'm pretty sure this shift in my mindset happened when Lyla retired Frozen!!!! Ha, not really. That part is a joke. Anyway, that's just a little self-reflection for the blog. I've learned the seasons of life are constantly changing and I will ride this wave through the storm. As for now, I'm really working on being more mindful of what I choose to focus my energy on. I can't always choose my feelings, but I can choose how they affect my life. The time with my family is so valuable because our kids are changing every single day. They are growing up. I don't want to look back and regret wasting time on anything insignificant.
