Lyla: Five Years Old

It seems the days leading up to my kid's birthdays are always the most revealing of their age. I know this because it's the time of year when I look at them, I mean really stare, and realize how much they have grown and changed over the past year. That's exactly what happened this week for me too. I started watching and listening to Lyla, more intently than I normally do, and it hit me. Holy crap. You are a five year old. She acts like a five year old. She looks like a five year old. She sounds like a five year old, okay sometimes sixteen. 

As you could imagine, I've been doing a lot of reflecting about the past five years. I smile as I think about how many things have changed, yet so many have stayed the same. I will never forget the scowl on Lyla's face as she glanced all around the hospital room the day she was born. That initial scowl transformed into an independent attitude that she's continued to carry throughout her life. That little seven pound baby had a fierceness about her, as if she already had the whole world figured out. And while I know Lyla still has a lot of life to experience and lessons to learn, she has taught me more about life than I ever could have imagined possible. I have been a mom for five years and all my motherhood "firsts" continue to be with Lyla. I think that's pretty special. Along with that newborn scowl was the first moment we made eye contact and my journey as her mom began. I am immensely grateful for the gift of motherhood. It has changed me for the better. And I don't feel like a rookie anymore either! Woo! 

I'll be honest, I was a little concerned during that twoberty phase with Lyla, which carried over to three and even a little into four. I have always encouraged her independent spirit, but that sass has been a little brutal at times. This past year or so she has really matured into such a pleasant little person to be around. There were certainly delightful aspects to her during all the different stages of toddlerhood, of course, I'm just stating she has really bloomed into her own sense of self. At school, she has earned this reputation as being a peacekeeper and nurturer of sorts. She is always so aware of her surroundings, ensuring everyone in her presence is content. She cares about people and it makes me so proud to be her mom. I've watched her behave this way not only among her peers, but when it comes to her little brother as well. She is always thinking of that little boy. We will take a girls only trip to the grocery store and every single time she will ask the cashier a sticker for her brother. And don't even think about going to the bank without getting an extra sucker! I think we can do a lot to influence the behavior of our kids, but that sweet girl has a heart of gold. She was born a helper and the sweetness is just part of her soul.

Well now that I'm crying over how amazing my daughter is, I want to switch gears and share what we did on her birthday! I know I will cherish these first five years forever and I don't even want to think about how quickly the next five are going to fly by. 

I can't tell you what she is doing in the above photo.
The pose is her own invention and she facilitates most
 of our photo shoots now that she is five.

Enjoying her coloring book with some jams on. I love this picture.

We are having a birthday bash on Saturday, so that's when the real fun is going down. As for Lyla's actual birthday, it was a fairly routine day of school. She woke in the best mood, then she was eager to open a couple of gifts Kirk grabbed for her the night before. I didn't even know he was going to have something ready for her by the way --- it was super sweet of him! Anyway, we continued off to school and she wanted to listen to Christmas music. Seriously, stick a needle in my ear. I would have laughed at her had it not been her birthday, instead we sang jingle bells for the entirety of our thirty minute commute. She took cupcakes to school to share with her classmates. We  grabbed them from the grocery store the night before and she passed on the frosting she wanted and picked the kind she thought most of the kids in her class would like instead --- again, so thoughtful.

After school, we decided to get milkshakes. eek! More sugar, I know. Then she requested Chicfila for dinner. That was fine with me, make my life easy. Ha! That girl can put down a full size chicken sandwich these days, which is pretty impressive considering there was a time I could barely convince her to eat a cracker. She also suggested we participate in a "Chicfila Sauce Challenge" during dinner. This is a challenge where you line up the eight different variety of sauce flavors and try to guess each of them after just one dip of a finger, french fry, etc. Well. Miss Birthday Girl is a big chicken when it comes to trying new foods and declined practically every single sauce. She tried ketchup...wow. And Chicfila sauce. Seriously. It was her idea!!!! She is such a dork. Max participated in tasting every single sauce, even the spicy ones, which was super hilarious and made up for Lyla's lack of participation. She wrapped up the night with a little Hansel and Gretel and that concluded the birthday festivities. However, we are so excited to party on Saturday!

Lyla's gifts from us arrived on Thursday and I was originally going to have her open them on party day. Then I decided oh, who cares. She opened a bed set and wardrobe closet to accommodate her new American Girl doll, Avery. I may start referring to the doll by name, just take note. Anyway, after some lengthy assembling we finally had it all set up. Then it occurred to me that Lyla wasn't going to have any space in her bedroom for this new American Girl arrangement. She already had a baby station and the Barbie house station, so I asked if she had any ideas on how to make it work. She thought about it intently for a few minutes, then she said, "Mom, I don't really play with my Barbie house anymore, let's give it to another little girl who will play with it more than me." My initial thought was, ummm but you have only had it two years....and Santa spent two full nights putting it together....and you have a bucket of probably 60 Barbies. Then I remembered how I'm always preaching to my kids about decluttering and donating stuff we don't need to someone else that can use it. So my initial panic of clinging onto the Barbie house for unnecessary reasons, transformed into another proud moment that Lyla has the brains to realize she has more than she needs and more than she can play with. I'm impressed that she isn't emotionally attached to all these materialistic items. I mean...it's hard for me sometimes and she is only five!

We spent the rest of the afternoon organizing her room. She decided to keep her Anna & Elsa dolls in her keepsake box. They are sentimental for sure. Then she picked out a few of the non-frazzled looking Barbies to keep, just in case the Barbie urge ever strikes again. She also kept the Barbie party bus, so they still have a spot to hang. But the adorable Barbie house itself is no longer a staple item in Lyla's room. It made my heart a little sad to close that chapter, but I was also filled with so much joy as Lyla was already thinking out loud about all the different kids she could gift the house to. The Barbie house location is now replaced with Avery's "room" and it's coming along quite nicely. The baby station remains in her room as well, since that's a regular activity between her and Max. It's just change is all it is. And again, I'm so impressed Lyla came up with the idea all on her own. She handled the process with such grace. 

The scenario doubled as a good example to Max, who came out of his room with one toy to give to someone. As he declared his good deed, I could tell he was trying to remember the exact words Lyla used earlier. I love it when he does that, cracks me up every time. He always seems so proud of himself, yet all he's doing is mimicking his big sis. He certainly looks up to her! It's pretty dang cute.

Birthday surprise from the best dad ever!!!! 

The remains of Lyla's Barbie collection.
 The difference is shocking to anyone who knows what her stockpile looked like before!

The new arrangement for Avery!

Don't mind Lyla's solemn expression, I just thought they
looked so adorable in matching pajamas and robes. 

                             Hope everyone has a great weekend! I will blog about the party soon.

Grandparents Day & Momma Grizzly

You guys. I really suck at writing lately. I have opened my computer probably half a dozen times to post a blog entry and I just suck at it. I have writers block. My brain is broken. No mojo. I don't know what's happened to me.

Anyway, this simple blog entry proved to be just as difficult. Bleh bleh bleh.

Kirk had the opportunity to attend a special event at Lyla's school this week. It was technically Grandparents Day, but we had to get creative since we have yet to adopt any grandparents in Texas. I was feeling sorry for ourselves and complaining about all the nonexistent memories our kids are making with grandparents. I really tried to focus my energy on all the goodness that exists in our lives, but the truth is my heart was hurting. I miss Idaho a lot sometimes. Kirk took notice of my sadness and suggested he attend as Lyla's special guest instead. I gave this idea two thumbs up.

Kirk's job can be full of surprises, so we decided to keep it a secret from Lyla. We didn't want her to be disappointed just in case he had to cancel last minute. Plus, surprises are super fun! The day arrived and Kirk was able to make it. YAY! I was excited to show him around our school and took him to greet Max first. Max's class was not celebrating Grandparents Day, but I still wanted Kirk to stop in to say hello. Max was completely shocked when he saw Kirk. He ran right up to him and wrapped his arms tightly around his neck. *Que the water works* Then we let Max get back to his normal routine and continued to Lyla's classroom.

I entered Lyla's classroom first, as she was expecting me to join her for lunch as her special guest and nobody else. Kirk entered the room as she was washing her hands and sat down next to me at the table. Then Lyla turned around and saw him, which is when I expected the joyful embrace to happen. I had this big vision of Lyla being so excited and surprised but it was actually quite the opposite. She completely ignored him!!! I knew at this point she was overcome with nerves, but I still stated the obvious, "Hey, Dad is here! Aren't you excited?!" She honestly looked like she was about ready to cry. She held up one finger toward me and said "shhhh please just be quiet." We sat down for lunch and she was silent the entire time, so opposite from her typical demeanor at school. It was obvious she felt uncomfortable. It was weird having Dad in her element at school. It's totally okay and I completely understand. She wasn't being rude or sassy. I could tell she was just having a moment of being so overwhelmed and not wanting any attention on her whatsoever. I am SO familiar with that feeling from my childhood. I felt sad for her, but it was also a moment of genetic-fascination because she is so much like me. And my dad too! It's so crazy to me.

Anyway, lunch continued and they eventually made ice-cream sundaes. It was time to tour the book fair and I finally saw my girl shedding away all that fear. She was her happy, outgoing self again as we stopped by Max's classroom to bring him with us to the book fair. The school is so strategic planning Grandparents Day the same week as the book fair, turns out it works on dads too. It was a really fun day! I feel bad that I was initially so grumpy about not having any grandparents nearby, because having Kirk there made me really happy. And I think Lyla was happy too, despite her being unable to show it in the beginning. My kids are loved and we are so fortunate.

I feel like I've been wasting way too much energy feeling mad lately. It can be exhausting. The lack of grandparents on Grandparents Day is just one example among the spoonfuls of negativity I keep piling on my plate. It's so important to me to practice gratitude daily, but recently I've been doing quite the opposite. I have a bad attitude, as even Lyla pointed out. Bless her honesty. I keep finding myself choosing one bad moment that's happened and allowing it to impact me for the rest of the day. In doing this, I've raised the bar to an impossible level of perfection and it's so frustrating. I'm so hard on myself, my kids, my marriage, and every aspect of life that I easily forget about all the happiness that does exist in my life.

I think I need Lyla to get back on board with the Frozen obsession because having "Let it Go" on repeat every single day was actually really inspiring. Ha! It used to be so easy for me to let it go within five minutes. I kept low expectations and could almost instantly release angry feelings back into the universe, but now I keep a tight grip on that shit like it's actually worth something. And I'm pretty sure this shift in my mindset happened when Lyla retired Frozen!!!! Ha, not really. That part is a joke. Anyway, that's just a little self-reflection for the blog. I've learned the seasons of life are constantly changing and I will ride this wave through the storm. As for now, I'm really working on being more mindful of what I choose to focus my energy on. I can't always choose my feelings, but I can choose how they affect my life. The time with my family is so valuable because our kids are changing every single day. They are growing up. I don't want to look back and regret wasting time on anything insignificant.

Beginning of Something New

I started work on Monday and it's been a busy week for our family. I put on makeup five days in a row, which I can almost guarantee hasn't happened in at least three years. Although the kiddos won't start school until next Wednesday, we are still working on adjusting to our new schedule and routine. I'm so grateful for all my helpers this week who were available to tend Lyla & Max. [Thanks!] I was also able to bring them with me to work for two of the days. They were able to meet their teachers and explore the school, which I think will ultimately help them feel more comfortable and less overwhelmed on their first day. 

We have spent a lot of energy preparing for this upcoming change in our lives. There was one task on my list that kept falling to last priority and that was getting Lyla's hair cut --- for the first time ever. This idea originated when I asked Lyla several months ago if she wanted to get her hair cut and her answer was a definite no. She was very apprehensive about it. I decided it didn't matter and just let it go. Well, several weeks later she randomly brought it up again and stated she was ready to get her hair cut. I, admittedly, brushed off her request because by that point, I reverted back to not wanting to get it done...ever. There was absolutely no logic in this decision, it was simply the fact that cutting her hair meant any traces of baby hair would be completely eliminated. And obviously the world would end if that happened.

Yes, I realize it's just a hair cut. This refusal is basically the same as keeping your child in diapers simply because you don't want them to use the toilet for the first time ever, buuuut my heart was still rejecting the idea. I'm clearly in denial about her growing up. Max gets his hair cut on a regular basis, so believe me I am also asking my brain how any of this makes sense. 

Anyway, we had a game plan on Friday including a hair cut for Max when Lyla, once again, requested a hair cut for herself as well. I stared wistfully at her stringy locks, thinking about how my once bald baby transformed into a little girl with chlorine dyed ends, and finally agreed to her persistent desire. She was quite pleased with this decision and could not stop staring in the mirror during the hair cut. Her admiration for herself was entertaining for myself as well as the stylist, and it turns out the world kept spinning once the hair cut concluded. We decided to cut minimal amount as possible, while still evening up the ends and, I must say, the change definitely improved the overall quality of her hair. Lyla proudly stated afterward that she most definitely looks the same age as her cousin, Hali. Hali is twelve. My four year old thinks she is twelve.

The hair cut experience is not the only back to school first we've experienced lately. The preparations have also included school clothes shopping, which I never knew could be such a tedious task. I've entered new territory here. I have always been 100% on board with giving my kids the freedom to express themselves, but the problem with school clothes is my children do not have one single practical train of thought in their precious little minds. The negotiations get tough when Lyla holds up something resembling an 80's prom dress and I have to express to her something along the lines of, "Seriously? You won't even be able to sit down in that thing." Then there is Max, on the opposite end of the spectrum, who can't make a decision to save his life. I'm usually exhausted by the time we finally come to an agreement on something as simple as a t-shirt. So. I learned the hard way that it's much easier to go shopping without children. They are much more appreciative this way, as they are always happy when anyone arrives back home with anything at all for them. I will still encourage them to dress themselves as they choose, just within the range of their own closets. Controlled freedom. Ha! I'm hopeful the understanding of appropriate school attire will make more sense next year. Then again, I remember having arguments with my mom about clothing well into high school --- from style preference to demands over brand names, yikes --- so maybe that's just something that will never change. The lyrics from Tangled just started playing in my brain."...mother knows best, listen to your mumsy."

We've been focusing on making other changes prior to school starting, including the struggle with Max confusing pretend superhero games with a real life boxing match. I think I am slightly resentful of Kirk for the day he ever introduced the "BOOM" game to Max, but I'm also guilty for promoting such play. My favorite line from Max is just as we're getting ready to "fight" and I ask "Do you want a piece of me?" and as he scowls, he says "No! I want the whole thing!" He's hilarious. However, I really don't want Max being the kid who body slams his peers for no reason, soooo we've been diligently reminding him that playing "BOOM" is a family game and should only be played with willing participants. Kirk has been trying to convince Max that anytime he gets the urge to "BOOM" someone, he should just tickle them instead. And while it's too soon to tell if this technique is working, it's been funny to watch. Time will tell and I pray Max isn't the school bully. I'm hopeful his sweet side will outweigh the Hulk that lives within. 

They are going to learn so much this next year and I want to do everything we can to ensure it is smooth of a journey as possible. It's hard to believe such a monumental chapter is coming to a close for us. In a lot of ways life will remain the same, but it will also be so very different. It's bittersweet for me. Life is good. 

Summer Bliss

I feel like we are floating right on through the summer, both literally and figuratively. The leisure levels in our house have peaked between the endless morning snuggles, swimming until we're soggy, and frequent trips to the snow cone shack. I can hardly remember a more carefree summer. However, over the past few days I've been yearning for the routine we once followed earlier this year. I miss attending all of our normal weekly activities. The intention of keeping up with a summer routine is tough when fun is the main priority. I've managed to keep our nap time schedule consistent, although even that is hanging on by only a thread. The best way to describe this summer is 'simple' and I guess I'm used to being more occupied than that. We are still in the midst of summer, yet the whispers of balance and consistency echo in my mind. I am looking forward to Autumn, including all the changes that come along with it.  

This brings my awareness to thinking about how much our lives will change in the next few weeks. The kiddos will begin school in August right as I begin working part time, so I am really trying to absorb as much of this complete freedom as we have left. It's hard to imagine this chapter coming to a close for us, but I am excited. The kids are excited. It will be a positive change overall. The choice to change our circumstances came a little sooner than I anticipated, but I still think it arrived right when it was meant to. I never planned on my role as a stay at home mom [SAHM] being infinite, yet I find myself reflecting back on these few years of my life that have been completely devoted to my kids. I will forever value this time of my life. It's been a huge blessing and I am so grateful we were given the opportunity to move to Texas. As tear-jerking of a decision it was, I can't imagine the emotional [& financial] hardships we would be facing in Idaho. We wouldn't have the same options as we do now, two incomes would be completely necessary. And as eager as several grandparents were to tend babies and/or help with childcare costs, I'm just not sure it would have worked out. I mean...life always works itself out...but I'm certain all sanity would be spent. 

I discovered an appreciation being a stay at home mom that I otherwise would have never known existed. It's more than I ever imagined and nothing like I expected. I could have missed out on so much. The opportunity I've had to be a mother to my children and nothing else has been so rewarding. It's expanded my ability to not sweat the small stuff, taught me patience, along with countless life lessons, and grew my heart by ten sizes. And granted, that will never change. I will continue to be a mom. My responsibilities will remain. My babies are still my babies! I'm not going to define myself any differently, but for whatever reason my brain is doing some serious preparation for it. 

I don't particularly like the way our culture divides SAHM's and working moms anyhow. The labels get tossed around like ego covered confetti and I find it incredibly annoying. The most important similarity is we all pour the same heart into our children. It's 100% from sun up to sun down. Any time spent away from our children is still spent thinking about them. It never stops, for any mom. I have witnessed the dedication among so many incredible moms with my own eyes and I try really hard not to determine the worthiness of any mother, because I know there are so many challenges no matter where you fall on the spectrum. I'll step down from the soap box now and work on finding my new happy place right in the middle of that spectrum. 

My working situation is unique and will still allow me to be readily available for my kids. The work hours and school hours are the same, so the stress of schedule conflicts will be minimal. It will still be a transition for us, but I anticipate an easy one. And surprisingly I'm not feeling anxious about any of it, with the exception of wondering what people wear to work. I know what people wear to the grocery store, park, and pool....but how in the world do people dress for work!? I can't really remember, but luckily I'm really good at shopping. I'm eager to familiarize myself with a new work atmosphere, but I'm even more excited for Lyla & Max. They are going to love the classroom environment, love making friends, and probably love a little break from me too. Ha! They are independent little people now and they are ready. 

My heart is fuller than full this summer, but I'm looking forward to dusting off the retired parts of my brain for a few hours a day. I love being with my kids, but there are some days they make this parenting thing a little too monotonous for me. [insert glass of wine here.] Yes...they still argue, claw each others faces, test their limits, and try to suck every bit of life out of me. I'm pretty sure those things will last for many years to come. But these days I'm no longer overwhelmed by two babies in diapers. I'm not obsessed with doing everything exactly just right. I'm no longer sleep deprived. I've traded in my milk factory position for a part-time referee. It's the little things that slowly change to make me realize babyhood was victorious, I survived life with a toddler, and now this preschool phase is blossoming into something pretty special. 

Photo Reel Volume: 1 Million

There are funny stories that go along with some of these photos, but I'm a slacker. Overall, life keeps happening and it's treating us well. I've never felt time pass quicker than it has as I watch my kiddos grow up. The more they learn, the more they change. It's unstoppable and a bit heartbreaking. Feelings are confusing! Make them stop. 

We went to the movie theater last weekend and I was practically jogging to keep up with Max, who was sprinting. We passed by an older fella enjoying his surroundings from an outdoor bench. I was admiring his peaceful presence, then I noticed the biggest grin on his face as he said, "Enjoy it, they grow up so fast!" People say that sort of cliché crap all the time, but for some reason in that moment it made me really emotional. I found myself wiping tears from my eyes by the time I reached the ticket booth. It was really funny/odd, but I appreciate the glimpse into his own nostalgia because it was a reminder to me of how important the little things are. My reality is chasing a two year old at the movie theater and it's a reality I will someday miss. PS. We saw The Jungle Book and it was awesome!!!

Anyways, I feel like I'm back on track with Max and his two year old antics. He was seriously stressing me out a few weeks ago. Meanwhile, just today Lyla said to me, "you aren't my grown up anymore" as she stormed off to her room. It was the best line I've heard in awhile, so I had to write it down. I've never known someone to be so dramatic and hilarious in the same sentence. If you don't stop to laugh at how insane parenting can be, you will never survive. The juggling act is constant with these two tiny humans, but I sure do adore my little family! 

Hello to New Chapters: Part 1

We are looking forward to some fun this week with Kirk's parents and Cameron visiting. Lyla has not been able to contain her excitement about their arrival. I actually feel bad that she can recognize her Grandma Julie's name in my phone because her daily countdown phone call quickly transformed into an hourly update. She is super patient, like me. Ha. I think both of these kiddos enjoy showing off their skills and talents to a fresh audience. They will do anything to get that spotlight turned up as bright as possible. Lucky for them, the Idaho crowd is easy to impress. I will post more about their visit later this week.

Other than that, Life has slowed way down for us lately. I wouldn't dare to call it boring, but still nothing blog worthy, unless you want to hear me whine about Max being two some more. However, the lack of action is typically a good indicator that change is on its way. It's the calm before the storm. I'm becoming quite familiar with this cycle, as it seems to happen so often. Life experience is funny like that. 

And just as change would have it, we were given the option this month to renew our lease, but after weighing our options we decided it was in our best interest to move. It turns out there is an abundance of availability on the housing market, so that made the decision even easier. We found the most charming home in a lovely neighborhood, located only a short drive from Kirk's second home --- aka 1488 Collision. He is most definitely looking forward to the shorter commute as well as avoiding the freeway traffic. 

We have made some wonderful memories over the past three years in our current home. It was the beginning of feeling settled in Texas and it's the place Max came home to from the hospital. We have all grown and changed a lot here. And it makes me feel a little sad when I think about how I always had this vision of my kids growing up in the same house their entire childhood and returning to the same house with their own families as adults. But it's just not the life we have created for our family and I'm continually learning that is okay. We can pack up our memories with us and make any place feel like home. The roots will keep growing as long as we are together. That got cheesy real quick, but hey, it's how I feel. 

This will be our first move together as an entire family and I'm really enjoying sharing my anticipation with the kids. They were a bit apprehensive about the idea of moving at first, but once they understood we would bring all most of their toys and treasured belongings to the new house, they were totally on board. I've been driving by the new house almost every single day and Kirk is very displeased that I've exposed our exceedingly receptive children to my creepy behavior. I told him it's only creepy if I slow down as we pass the house, but I maintain my speed like a normal person. Apparently that's still creepy.

We still have a full month before the move, so I haven't gone total packing mode just yet. I have been scanning the house in attempt to devise a packing game plan and I'm beginning to wonder if moving is a smart choice for my sanity. And then I wonder how we ever acquired so much crap? This thought has inspired what I consider phase one of moving, which consists of getting rid of all the junk we don't need to bring to the new house. The cleansing process is seriously satisfying. Bye junk!

It's all very exciting, April will be a busy month for us. 

Growing Up

As we were driving around recently, I found myself contemplating all the reasons why being an adult is so stressful at times. I started to wonder why I ever wished to grow up in the first place. I honestly can't even remember what was so appealing about it at the time, but I assume it was just the perception as a child that grown ups get to do whatever they want. I was too naive back then to even realize stress existed. That's the beauty when it comes to childhood, sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. With this in mind, I decided to ask my four year old for some insight as to why children want to grow up so badly. In her own words, her three definite reasons for wanting to grow up are as follows: 

1. I want to take care of my own kids. 

2. I want to sit in the car without a car seat. 

3. I want to cook stuff, like chicken.

I suppose in the mind of a four year old those are some major milestones to look forward to. As simple as it may seem, I do appreciate life from her perspective. It's a reminder for me to stress less and adjust the focus of my energy to the things I easily take for granted...like cooking chicken. Hehe!

I think her desire to cook chicken probably comes from when she helps me cook. I always tell her she isn't allowed to touch raw chicken. She cannot be trusted with that type of responsibility, yet. Regardless, still a hilarious reason for wishing to be a grown up.

Max joined in on this conversation as well, but I'm still waiting for him to form his own thoughts rather than mimicking anything and everything Lyla. He will get there, someday.

Mindful Motherhood

I was in bed the other night trying to quiet my thoughts and find dreamland when I heard Lyla walk downstairs and enter the kitchen. I'm suddenly wondering how I knew it was Lyla at the time --- psychic mother abilities, I guess. Anyway, I listened as she dispensed some water out of the fridge and went back upstairs. If you know Lyla, then you can understand why I was in disbelief thinking about what just happened. I can count on one hand the number of times she has returned to her bedroom without assistance after waking up in the middle of the night. I felt proud of her, as I selfishly stared at the empty nest of pillows and blankets I arrange for her each night on the side of my bed. Only a few minutes had gone by and I found myself upstairs crawling into her bed snuggling up next to her. I giggled to myself for being completely ridiculous as I drifted off to sleep.

That's how this parenting stuff goes a lot of the time, for me at least. I am constantly conflicted by mixed emotions and being pulled in opposite directions of wanting to slow down vs. hurry up. I want them to sleep in their own beds, but feel sad when it actually happens. It's so odd. I tend to do a lot of reflecting anytime my kids make a transition into more independent beings, which seems to be a lot lately. It makes me happy and sad --- happysad. That word should probably be an actual synonym of "bittersweet."

We have reached a chapter in this childhood/parenthood dynamic that I have looked forward to for a very long time, including when becoming a parent was just a dream of the future. I've truly enjoyed most aspects of my parenting journey, some more than others. I loved loved loved my newborn babies, but those days were much more challenging for me emotionally compared to now. The place we are right now is a lot of fun for me. I have these two little people who can communicate their needs and wants, they are old enough to participate in a broad range of activities, and most days they let their imaginations lead the way. I'm so grateful for the time I'm able to spend with my kids. I'm entertained on a daily basis. And somehow, I feel this blissful stage slipping through my fingertips faster than it ever has before. Why do I dwell on the inevitable changes of the future? I have no idea.

I am constantly coming to the realization there are some things I will never experience again, in regards to my own children that is. I will never change their diaper again. I will never worry about one of them crawling around the playground eating bark, uhh or cat poop. I will never smell like boob milk again. I'm even nearing the end of helping to get them dressed each day! And eventually all these other little tidbits of parenting are going to pass by me as well --- things like buckling car seats, turning on light switches, and sharing the bed with two tiny bed hogs. And although I'm well aware this is the natural process of how this whole thing works, it still just seems shocking how fast it all happens. I'm doing my best to make myself aware of all these little things that add up to being a parent. In making myself aware and fully present, I hope to look back upon these years with no regrets. It doesn't have to be perfect either. 

The time I have right now with my children is something I value beyond anything else, but that doesn't mean I don't require being reminded of such insight on a regular basis. I occasionally end the day with a feisty attitude and think "Alright, you guys are four and two. That's probably good enough. Time to move out!" Joking ... but I do have to remind myself every single day to savor these small moments, the daily and routine moments. It can be challenging --- especially during the frequent battles of sibling rivalry where hitting is the preferred method of communication, the bad attitudes paired with back talking, and all the other limitless amounts of frustration that come along with raising children. Screaming back at them has proven to be unproductive.

Although putting together each piece of the puzzle can sometimes feel overwhelming, I have to remember that all those things and all those lessons are contributing to one big picture. And the big picture is preparing our children for a world from which their parents cannot shield them from. It's hoping we've done enough to teach them right from wrong, let them experience enough but not too much, and allowed them to make choices and learn from their own mistakes. And most importantly, it's loving them enough to know no matter what happens or how old they become, there is always a space in Momma's bed for them.

There really are so many aspects of childhood that can easily get rushed through simply because we are so eager for our kids to advance to the next checkpoint in life.  Obviously my thoughts on motherhood have only progressed for four years, so I'm interested to read back my logic in another 10+ years.  But one mindset I'm confident will never change is the reminder to myself to slow down. breathe. & enjoy. 

And now I miss my mom after writing this. siiigh.