Max: Menace Diaries

Max. Max. Max. This little dude has been giving me a run for my money lately. I think we are finally nearing the end of a potty training regression, so that's a plus. I'm happy to be back on a once a week rotation for washing our bedding, three times a week was getting to be a little ridiculous. I have to laugh because we have both adapted to each others behaviors -- while I've learned certain fidgety movements are a sure sign Max's bladder is about to explode, he has learned that's also about the time I'm going to call him out. It seems right as we make eye contact, he says "no pee Mom, me just jumping." And then he continues to hop around awkwardly, like that is a normal thing to do. 

That's easy stuff compared to the fierce attitude he has unleashed lately. There are several times throughout the day when he simply cannot handle his emotions and explodes with such anger. This happens when he wants to do something all by himself, but is unable. This happens if I refuse to let him eat candy for breakfast. This happens if someone has something he wants. This happens if his cereal gets soggy. This happens if I forget to hold his hand down the stairs. This happens if I arrange the pillows wrong on his bed. This happens if I choose the wrong underwear, for him or myself. This happens if I put too many ice cubes in his drink. This happens if I walk too fast. This happens if I walk too slow. This happens when he deliberately disobeys. I could go on...but I think you get the idea. Clearly this has been happening a lot. The poor dude is like a light switch.

If it gets real ugly and I've exhausted all other options, I just sit next to him and start repeating the words "peace and calmness" out loud like a hopeless idiot --- it either works and he actually calms down or it just makes him more infuriated. I like to ask him if he feels misunderstood because as he replies with "yes" through the somewhat forced sobbing, it creates a slightly adorable moment within the chaos. We tend to hug it out a lot. 

I've found myself watching him in his sleep more frequently to enjoy him in a peaceful state. Definitely not to remind myself that giving him away is not an option. Lyla has also learned the art of compromise when it comes to her little brother. I've noticed within their own interactions she will sometimes give in just to avoid a fight, especially if she can sense his temperature rising. I think she can agree that remaining consistent [all.day.long] can be so exhausting. We pick our battles these days.

This will pass, just as it always does. I think I'm just a little taken back this round because 1. Max is typically easy going and maybe I foolishly thought he could never possibly be a victim of twoberty/threenager syndrome and 2. Lyla had already defeated her super dramatic stint by this age. But again, I must remind myself, their development timeline will vary because they are two different people. I don't know why I even bother comparing parenting round one to round two, it's rarely helpful. Max is two years old, experiencing and learning just as he's meant to... but if he could go ahead and wrap up this unpleasant phase, that would be swell. 

In reality, there could be worse things to groan about. These complaints are minimal. I am immensely grateful for two healthy children who keep me busy and keep my heart full. I'm a very blessed Momma. Life is good.

Mindful Motherhood

I was in bed the other night trying to quiet my thoughts and find dreamland when I heard Lyla walk downstairs and enter the kitchen. I'm suddenly wondering how I knew it was Lyla at the time --- psychic mother abilities, I guess. Anyway, I listened as she dispensed some water out of the fridge and went back upstairs. If you know Lyla, then you can understand why I was in disbelief thinking about what just happened. I can count on one hand the number of times she has returned to her bedroom without assistance after waking up in the middle of the night. I felt proud of her, as I selfishly stared at the empty nest of pillows and blankets I arrange for her each night on the side of my bed. Only a few minutes had gone by and I found myself upstairs crawling into her bed snuggling up next to her. I giggled to myself for being completely ridiculous as I drifted off to sleep.

That's how this parenting stuff goes a lot of the time, for me at least. I am constantly conflicted by mixed emotions and being pulled in opposite directions of wanting to slow down vs. hurry up. I want them to sleep in their own beds, but feel sad when it actually happens. It's so odd. I tend to do a lot of reflecting anytime my kids make a transition into more independent beings, which seems to be a lot lately. It makes me happy and sad --- happysad. That word should probably be an actual synonym of "bittersweet."

We have reached a chapter in this childhood/parenthood dynamic that I have looked forward to for a very long time, including when becoming a parent was just a dream of the future. I've truly enjoyed most aspects of my parenting journey, some more than others. I loved loved loved my newborn babies, but those days were much more challenging for me emotionally compared to now. The place we are right now is a lot of fun for me. I have these two little people who can communicate their needs and wants, they are old enough to participate in a broad range of activities, and most days they let their imaginations lead the way. I'm so grateful for the time I'm able to spend with my kids. I'm entertained on a daily basis. And somehow, I feel this blissful stage slipping through my fingertips faster than it ever has before. Why do I dwell on the inevitable changes of the future? I have no idea.

I am constantly coming to the realization there are some things I will never experience again, in regards to my own children that is. I will never change their diaper again. I will never worry about one of them crawling around the playground eating bark, uhh or cat poop. I will never smell like boob milk again. I'm even nearing the end of helping to get them dressed each day! And eventually all these other little tidbits of parenting are going to pass by me as well --- things like buckling car seats, turning on light switches, and sharing the bed with two tiny bed hogs. And although I'm well aware this is the natural process of how this whole thing works, it still just seems shocking how fast it all happens. I'm doing my best to make myself aware of all these little things that add up to being a parent. In making myself aware and fully present, I hope to look back upon these years with no regrets. It doesn't have to be perfect either. 

The time I have right now with my children is something I value beyond anything else, but that doesn't mean I don't require being reminded of such insight on a regular basis. I occasionally end the day with a feisty attitude and think "Alright, you guys are four and two. That's probably good enough. Time to move out!" Joking ... but I do have to remind myself every single day to savor these small moments, the daily and routine moments. It can be challenging --- especially during the frequent battles of sibling rivalry where hitting is the preferred method of communication, the bad attitudes paired with back talking, and all the other limitless amounts of frustration that come along with raising children. Screaming back at them has proven to be unproductive.

Although putting together each piece of the puzzle can sometimes feel overwhelming, I have to remember that all those things and all those lessons are contributing to one big picture. And the big picture is preparing our children for a world from which their parents cannot shield them from. It's hoping we've done enough to teach them right from wrong, let them experience enough but not too much, and allowed them to make choices and learn from their own mistakes. And most importantly, it's loving them enough to know no matter what happens or how old they become, there is always a space in Momma's bed for them.

There really are so many aspects of childhood that can easily get rushed through simply because we are so eager for our kids to advance to the next checkpoint in life.  Obviously my thoughts on motherhood have only progressed for four years, so I'm interested to read back my logic in another 10+ years.  But one mindset I'm confident will never change is the reminder to myself to slow down. breathe. & enjoy. 

And now I miss my mom after writing this. siiigh. 

Charlie & Matilda

We recently introduced Lyla & Max to two new [old] movies and their initial interest has quickly transformed into an obsession. The past few weeks it has been the only thing they want to do following nap time. It's become our afternoon snuggle-session ritual, as they recover from the fog frequently caused by naps. We are generally able to hang out on the couch for half an hour before they become energizer bunnies again. Then it's not uncommon for them to make Kirk sit down for the remainder of the movie when he arrives home. The repetition of their movie choice can start feeling a little...blah. But if I've learned anything from being a parent, none of these phases last for long.

It all started with the original Charlie & the Chocolate Factory movie. Max was instantly infatuated with the main character, Charlie. He even insisted on wearing a red scarf, just as Charlie does in the movie. It was a bit confusing at first before I figured out he wanted the scarf to hang over the back of each shoulder, again, just as Charlie. Talk about attention to detail! He has also renamed the movie Golden Ticket. It's my favorite when he says it  --- "doh-den tih-tet." Lyla took interest in the character known as Varuca Salt, which has been just about as terrifying as you could imagine. Although she swears she is only pretending, I've still had to bring her back to reality a couple times.

I was able to find the movie Matilda at the library this week and it distracted them from the above mentioned movie. This was one of my childhood favorites and I've been thinking for awhile about how much they [especially Lyla] would enjoy it. Just as I thought, Lyla was captivated by the magic and intelligence portrayed by Matilda. Fortunately for me, Lyla forgot all about Varuca Salt and has since been acting as Matilda. This includes wearing a ribbon tied around her hair, bringing a stack of books to the dinner table, and focusing her vision on certain items very intently hoping to initiate some magic. 

It's been entertaining watching them act out scenes from each movie during their free time. I've enjoyed playing different roles as well, including Grandpa Joe and Principal Trunchbull. They are reluctant to stop playing pretend even when Mommy becomes bored of it, this includes continuing their games of fantasy in public places. The fun never stops for these two.

Real Talk: Feeling Vulnerable

I am grateful tomorrow is Monday. I am grateful that last week is behind me --- and after this blog post, that's exactly where I'll leave it. We survived last week and nothing more.

Obviously I'm not referring to the beginning of the week, having my mom in town until Wednesday was fantastic! Then the last half of the week spiraled downward quickly and left me feeling raw and defeated against my children. The fighting, back-talking, entitled attitudes, and constant whining day after day fueled a storm inside me. They are incredibly persistent too and, frankly, were being total assholes. I don't even understand how it got that bad. Was it that bad? Was it just me and my inability to handle it? It was three days of chaos from the kids, including unproductive demands from me. It gets to a point where the constant "NO" from me becomes nothing more than a noise to them. They neglected to listen --- I don't blame them, really. I felt bad because I was nothing more than a robot barking orders, but I didn't have energy for anything else. 

I felt like a failure, wondering where my sweet children went. I started feeling even more guilty upon the fear that their negative behavior was a result of not enough positive attention they should be receiving. I worry so often that I get too consumed with selfish matters that I forget to love them enough --- I know I always do, it's just in these moments when I worry I'm not doing enough. Those insecurities sure can be annoying to deal with. I finally tapped out on Saturday and abandoned Kirk with the wild people. It was for the best, considering he seemed to have a better grip on life than me at the moment. If the acts of a two year old can make me want to cry, like for reals, then I know it's time to walk away. The normal me wouldn't let that happen, but my hot mess status was at a ten. My only options were to runaway to Mexico or surrender to my bed. Although Mexico sounded tempting, I chose the latter...

I do need to give Lyla and Max credit --- they really are awesome kids, they are polite and mostly well-behaved, and they usually get along great. I enjoy being their mom and usually they make it easy on me. We just had a few rough days. It happens. I think bad days probably have the potential to occur more often than I realize, I'm just faced with the "I can't handle it" level of mentality when I'm struggling to balance all the other crazy aspects of life. In hindsight, the daily conflicts were the same as always --- it was simply my own reaction that created such disastrous moments. My brain overthinks itself into an explosion every once in awhile, not often, but still unwelcomed when it does occur. I temporarily lost my ability to laugh and see the happy moments in the midst of the bad. This is a must have parenting life skill and it was nowhere to be found last week.

I'm questioning if we experienced a post-Grandma Anna hangover, perhaps we couldn't handle reality after five straight days of being spoiled by her. Or maybe our household dynamic is in disarray because the absence of Taylor & Jordan gone to Idaho. Or maybe I'm just insane. Oh, I know! I'll blame the time change. Hehe! The possibilities are endless. Regardless, I need our happy energy to return ASAP. I'm hopeful it's on its way.

There is no denying motherhood is filled with so many fulfilling moments of love & joy, along with so many other emotions I never expected --- including feeling powerless and being inadequate at times. My patience was tested last week and if I've learned anything, I know it will happen many times again. At the very least, my endurance is growing.

I am grateful for a new week to do better. I am grateful for knowing that a few rough days does not equate to any long-term damage; my children tend to be continuously resilient and forgiving. I am grateful to Kirk for putting us back together after unknowingly walking into a hailstorm of a weekend. I love them all so much.

My focus for this week is being calm and patient with my kids. I'm going to slow down and listen intently. I'm going to remember the importance of balance and to breathe deeply. We are all in this together. 

Holiday Recovery Mode

We are moving slowly this first week of 2015 as we ease back into this thing called the real world. The past two weeks have been simply blissful. Christmas, New Years, Hali's birthday, Lyla's birthday, plus extra days off for Kirk. I must say for once in my life I feel partied out. This holiday season was very eventful and fulfilling and I'm glad it's all over. Haha! I'm exhausted. I wish I could hire a nanny, a maid, and a cook for a week so I could do nothing but sleep. Just one week is all I ask! Buuut my last name is not Kardashian, so the show must go on!

A few weeks ago we donated a bunch of retired toys to the Goodwill because I knew the kiddos were going to get a big haul for Christmas. I hate clutter. And please know that I don't use that word lightly, so that means I really really despise clutter. Apparently I underestimated the amount of gifts they would receive because there are still new toys that don't yet have a home. We have a playroom for a reason. I dislike all this overflow into the living room. It's fine for toys to visit but at the end of the day, that's not where they live. If they don't fit in the toy box then they belong upstairs! Can you feel my rage!? Ha. It's just pretend rage. 

So! Today I did a second playroom cleanse. There were some toys I hesitated evicting the first go around, such as the very first teething toy I bought for Lyla. Yeah. Well. It's a freaking teething toy. It's time to "let it go." Baby Lyla is long gone. I have love in my heart and the memories in my brain. I don't need this silly toy for any of that! [I'm convincing myself here.]

Let's see...I tossed some loud irritating toys and anything that needed batteries or hasn't been played with in six months. I moved a bunch of stuff that requires adult supervision into a closet. I think we still basically own every toy in existence, but at least I feel a little better about the situation. And I think there is finally enough space for all the new stuff. Phew! Maybe I can make it another year living in this toy infested jungle.

Max received a tool bench for Christmas from his aunt and uncle. After clearing some space, we finally moved it into the playroom. He insisted on pushing it against the wall on his own and arranging the tools to his liking. Then after he finished, he took a step back and admired his work, or so it seemed. It was really hilarious. He often plays with Lyla's mini kitchen and although we share ALL toys for the most part, I think he was excited to set up his own little area in the playroom.

My next project is dress up organization. The collection is growing and it is basically scattered throughout the entire house. It's bothersome to me. I've been searching for a dress up closet but can't find exactly what I'm looking for. I think the image in my brain is something I made up. I like the idea of building it myself, but I'm not sure my carpentry skills are seasoned enough for a task like that. Not having adequate storage for dress up clothes is a serious first world problem, so I'm not really making this a top priority at this point. 

Lyla's dollhouse replaced the changing table in her room. Her new CD player now sits in the location of her lulluby/white noise machine. And now she has requested an Elsa poster!? I fought back the tears as I took a looked around and realized her room is making the transformation from baby room to kid room. Ugh! So sad. Bittersweet. She is really enjoying being three so far. She talks about it every day. She is very fond of her birthday decorations, so we are letting those linger around for a few extra days. It seems really strange but she has been acting different ever since her birthday. Kirk agrees! This exact same thing happened when she turned two. She turned all psycho terrible two child the day after her birthday last year. We aren't sure if our minds are playing tricks on us or what is going on, but Lyla definitely seems older and more mature since her birthday.

This is a little bit of an embarrassing story. But this blog is a no judgment zone, so if you're judging...GET OUT. :-) I was throwing a bit of a fit today after Max dumped the bathroom garbage can completely upside down, emptying all of its creepy contents. I don't do anything like hit or call names, I just growl and whine like a child sometimes. It's pretty pathetic, but mostly only happens when Max is on a hot streak. aka tornado mode. We all have a breaking point, right? Well. Lyla noticed my behavior and said, "Uh Mom. What is going on with you? Can you be nice? Max is my little brother." I stopped in my tracks and told her thank you for calling me out. I'm proud of her for sticking up for her little brother, even if he was being a menace. I know better than to "cry over spilled milk" and I know Max is only going to learn from the way I react to a situation. It turns out having a three year old around is going to keep me in line! I'm grateful for these moments. 

Chronos v. Kairos

I am reading the best book in the world right now. It speaks to my soul. I am being serious. The author, Glennon Melton is on my wave length. She speaks the truth & I dig it.  I've included below one of my favorite snippets from the book. It's really changed my perspective in regards to this thing we call TIME. Yep. I have a love/hate relationship with time and these few paragraphs describe it perfectly. 

Begin.

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

End.

I can whole heartedly agree and relate with chronos & kairos time. I am taking my time to recognize those moments as often as possible. Here are a few of my own kairos moments as of late....

1. texas rainstorms are no joke. i love them. clearly lyla & max are pretty fond of them as well. the rain was pouring and they were running up and down the driveway laughing so hard. lyla was begging me to join them and i kept saying, "naaah. i will just stay here and watch." then I said to myself, "hey self, what else are you doing right now? don't be such a square!"

we played for nearly an hour. no regrets about that decision!

2. lyla loves the carousel at the mall. she loved it a year ago too.

however, it took her a very long time to build the courage to actually sit on an animal.

the first few rides we enjoyed the view from the senior citizen/infant bench.  

i'm proud of her & her carousel progress. 

 3. cousin bonding time is so special. 

last week hali crowned queen lyla.

lyla had no problem playing the role of royalty.

hali is so sweet, she even included maxwell in the grand entrance. 

4. children's museum = best $5 ever spent.

imagination goes into overdrive at this place!

5. lyla is in a new phase of getting herself dressed.

i usually offer my style advice and leave it at that.

exploring her wardrobe is an essential part of growing up, 

there just might be a future fashion designer in the making.

this day consisted of backward overalls & a skirt.

yes, we went in public like this. haha!

6. oh maxwell, i don't believe there is one ounce of fear in that tiny body.

7. she is looking way too sassy & grown up in this picture.

i can't stare at it for too long or my heart starts to do that swelly thing. 

she is going to turn three in four short months.

i am having a hard time with that.