I am grateful tomorrow is Monday. I am grateful that last week is behind me --- and after this blog post, that's exactly where I'll leave it. We survived last week and nothing more.
Obviously I'm not referring to the beginning of the week, having my mom in town until Wednesday was fantastic! Then the last half of the week spiraled downward quickly and left me feeling raw and defeated against my children. The fighting, back-talking, entitled attitudes, and constant whining day after day fueled a storm inside me. They are incredibly persistent too and, frankly, were being total assholes. I don't even understand how it got that bad. Was it that bad? Was it just me and my inability to handle it? It was three days of chaos from the kids, including unproductive demands from me. It gets to a point where the constant "NO" from me becomes nothing more than a noise to them. They neglected to listen --- I don't blame them, really. I felt bad because I was nothing more than a robot barking orders, but I didn't have energy for anything else.
I felt like a failure, wondering where my sweet children went. I started feeling even more guilty upon the fear that their negative behavior was a result of not enough positive attention they should be receiving. I worry so often that I get too consumed with selfish matters that I forget to love them enough --- I know I always do, it's just in these moments when I worry I'm not doing enough. Those insecurities sure can be annoying to deal with. I finally tapped out on Saturday and abandoned Kirk with the wild people. It was for the best, considering he seemed to have a better grip on life than me at the moment. If the acts of a two year old can make me want to cry, like for reals, then I know it's time to walk away. The normal me wouldn't let that happen, but my hot mess status was at a ten. My only options were to runaway to Mexico or surrender to my bed. Although Mexico sounded tempting, I chose the latter...
I do need to give Lyla and Max credit --- they really are awesome kids, they are polite and mostly well-behaved, and they usually get along great. I enjoy being their mom and usually they make it easy on me. We just had a few rough days. It happens. I think bad days probably have the potential to occur more often than I realize, I'm just faced with the "I can't handle it" level of mentality when I'm struggling to balance all the other crazy aspects of life. In hindsight, the daily conflicts were the same as always --- it was simply my own reaction that created such disastrous moments. My brain overthinks itself into an explosion every once in awhile, not often, but still unwelcomed when it does occur. I temporarily lost my ability to laugh and see the happy moments in the midst of the bad. This is a must have parenting life skill and it was nowhere to be found last week.
I'm questioning if we experienced a post-Grandma Anna hangover, perhaps we couldn't handle reality after five straight days of being spoiled by her. Or maybe our household dynamic is in disarray because the absence of Taylor & Jordan gone to Idaho. Or maybe I'm just insane. Oh, I know! I'll blame the time change. Hehe! The possibilities are endless. Regardless, I need our happy energy to return ASAP. I'm hopeful it's on its way.
There is no denying motherhood is filled with so many fulfilling moments of love & joy, along with so many other emotions I never expected --- including feeling powerless and being inadequate at times. My patience was tested last week and if I've learned anything, I know it will happen many times again. At the very least, my endurance is growing.
I am grateful for a new week to do better. I am grateful for knowing that a few rough days does not equate to any long-term damage; my children tend to be continuously resilient and forgiving. I am grateful to Kirk for putting us back together after unknowingly walking into a hailstorm of a weekend. I love them all so much.
My focus for this week is being calm and patient with my kids. I'm going to slow down and listen intently. I'm going to remember the importance of balance and to breathe deeply. We are all in this together.
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