Mindful Motherhood

I was in bed the other night trying to quiet my thoughts and find dreamland when I heard Lyla walk downstairs and enter the kitchen. I'm suddenly wondering how I knew it was Lyla at the time --- psychic mother abilities, I guess. Anyway, I listened as she dispensed some water out of the fridge and went back upstairs. If you know Lyla, then you can understand why I was in disbelief thinking about what just happened. I can count on one hand the number of times she has returned to her bedroom without assistance after waking up in the middle of the night. I felt proud of her, as I selfishly stared at the empty nest of pillows and blankets I arrange for her each night on the side of my bed. Only a few minutes had gone by and I found myself upstairs crawling into her bed snuggling up next to her. I giggled to myself for being completely ridiculous as I drifted off to sleep.

That's how this parenting stuff goes a lot of the time, for me at least. I am constantly conflicted by mixed emotions and being pulled in opposite directions of wanting to slow down vs. hurry up. I want them to sleep in their own beds, but feel sad when it actually happens. It's so odd. I tend to do a lot of reflecting anytime my kids make a transition into more independent beings, which seems to be a lot lately. It makes me happy and sad --- happysad. That word should probably be an actual synonym of "bittersweet."

We have reached a chapter in this childhood/parenthood dynamic that I have looked forward to for a very long time, including when becoming a parent was just a dream of the future. I've truly enjoyed most aspects of my parenting journey, some more than others. I loved loved loved my newborn babies, but those days were much more challenging for me emotionally compared to now. The place we are right now is a lot of fun for me. I have these two little people who can communicate their needs and wants, they are old enough to participate in a broad range of activities, and most days they let their imaginations lead the way. I'm so grateful for the time I'm able to spend with my kids. I'm entertained on a daily basis. And somehow, I feel this blissful stage slipping through my fingertips faster than it ever has before. Why do I dwell on the inevitable changes of the future? I have no idea.

I am constantly coming to the realization there are some things I will never experience again, in regards to my own children that is. I will never change their diaper again. I will never worry about one of them crawling around the playground eating bark, uhh or cat poop. I will never smell like boob milk again. I'm even nearing the end of helping to get them dressed each day! And eventually all these other little tidbits of parenting are going to pass by me as well --- things like buckling car seats, turning on light switches, and sharing the bed with two tiny bed hogs. And although I'm well aware this is the natural process of how this whole thing works, it still just seems shocking how fast it all happens. I'm doing my best to make myself aware of all these little things that add up to being a parent. In making myself aware and fully present, I hope to look back upon these years with no regrets. It doesn't have to be perfect either. 

The time I have right now with my children is something I value beyond anything else, but that doesn't mean I don't require being reminded of such insight on a regular basis. I occasionally end the day with a feisty attitude and think "Alright, you guys are four and two. That's probably good enough. Time to move out!" Joking ... but I do have to remind myself every single day to savor these small moments, the daily and routine moments. It can be challenging --- especially during the frequent battles of sibling rivalry where hitting is the preferred method of communication, the bad attitudes paired with back talking, and all the other limitless amounts of frustration that come along with raising children. Screaming back at them has proven to be unproductive.

Although putting together each piece of the puzzle can sometimes feel overwhelming, I have to remember that all those things and all those lessons are contributing to one big picture. And the big picture is preparing our children for a world from which their parents cannot shield them from. It's hoping we've done enough to teach them right from wrong, let them experience enough but not too much, and allowed them to make choices and learn from their own mistakes. And most importantly, it's loving them enough to know no matter what happens or how old they become, there is always a space in Momma's bed for them.

There really are so many aspects of childhood that can easily get rushed through simply because we are so eager for our kids to advance to the next checkpoint in life.  Obviously my thoughts on motherhood have only progressed for four years, so I'm interested to read back my logic in another 10+ years.  But one mindset I'm confident will never change is the reminder to myself to slow down. breathe. & enjoy. 

And now I miss my mom after writing this. siiigh.