Baseball Frenzy & Mom Time Outs

Saturday evening took us to downtown Houston for an Astros baseball game. We took the kiddos with very low expectations. I knew it could get ugly as we neared their bed times and I would feel satisfied if we lasted an hour, at best. To my surprise, they were so good and we didn't leave until the top of the ninth inning. I was feeling a little antsy myself by that point anyway. 

Lyla and Max don't shy away from big, loud events. They seemed so enchanted by all the people, the cheering, the music. The crowd sang "take me out to the ball game" and Lyla belted it out loudly, although she didn't even know the words. She had this undeniable sparkle in her eyes as she said, "let's sing that again!" They were busy bodies during the game, of course. Luckily, we had six seats for them to shuffle around, plus a little ice cream break! I think everybody had a really fun time. 

The night at the baseball field was good for me. I needed some family time beyond the daily cycle. This past week was a real doozy. The constant rain causing a bit of cabin fever, Lyla sleeping like a wild woman, and Max's top molars coming in have quite simply drained me to the point of exhaustion. Oh yes, and the preferred method of communication this week was just lovely. ----> Crying. Hitting. Biting. 

Ugh. I just wanted to scream "I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!" [runs away & hides]

But I can't do that. 

Because I am the adult. 

And being an adult is really sucky sometimes. 

I really do my best to embrace the chaos and find joy in the small moments, it's sorta my mantra. But there was very little of that going on this week. My ability to remain calm was vanishing quickly. I was feeling so defeated and pitiful, wishing I could call my mom and say "PLEASE come take these barbaric children for the afternoon!" I really miss that lady. She always rescues me when I need it most and I'm okay admitting that. That is exactly what moms are for, right!? 

Then I remembered the YMCA offers a "save our sanity" program twice a month for other like-minded moms nearing psychosis. I signed them up as quickly as possible. My three hours of freedom consisted of a pedicure, Starbucks frappuccino, and wandering around aimlessly in Barnes & Noble. I just needed to breathe. Without occasional breaks, I find the mom I want to be and the mom I actually am heading in opposite directions. And that isn't what I want. I want motherhood to be an amazing, fulfilling experience. AND USUALLY IT IS. As I said, this past week was just a killer. I am obviously venting here. 

Anyway, during my little mom time out it gave my some time to think, reflect, and observe. I noticed a woman in the parenting section at Barnes & Noble looking deeply into a book titled "Parenting Your Strong-Willed Toddler." It made me smile. I watched another woman chase her toddler around the children's section as he pulled books from shelves. It made me smile again. Then as I pulled in to the YMCA parking lot I sat in my car for a few minutes, questioning why I was picking them up an hour earlier than necessary. [The truth is I was bored without them! LOL] Anyway, I looked over to the car parked next to me and noticed another book laying in the front seat. It was titled "Sleeping Through the Night." All these signs were dropping like bombs! I walked inside the YMCA to pick up my babies, feeling like myself again. I watched them from the big glass window before making my appearance known. Lyla eventually saw me and gave me a big hug. She told me she missed me. It felt good to be missed. I missed them too.

All of these moments were quiet reminders to me that we are all connected. Knowing that we are all in this together brings me some peace. We all have struggles. We all have hard days. We all have fear and guilt brewing inside. I think it's okay to say, "somebody help me!" I think it's okay to admit that being a mom is hard. It wasn't meant to be easy.  Sure, there was a time I thought being a mom sounded like an easy, carefree gig. Being a mom is something I dreamed of becoming for as long as I can remember. And yes, some days are easy, run smoothly, and are full of smiles. Some days are not. And it is okay. We get to try all over again tomorrow.

I hope nobody perceives this blog post as me being a negative Nancy. Because 1. my name isn't Nancy, and 2.  I would be lying if I said my life was rainbows and unicorns. I want my blog to include the good days and the bad days. I want it to be real. I want it to be honest. Someday I will look back at all these entries and laugh, probably cry, and just maybe it will be a source of support when Lyla ventures into the world of motherhood for herself.