Someday

I remember being so nervous to tell you the news.

My own insecurities led me to believe that
you would be disappointed in my decision.

I was foolish to think that. After telling you, it was such a relief.

Finally I had someone to share all my pregnancy quirks with.

Not only were you accepting of my new chapter of life,

but you were excited and so happy for me.

You checked on me often.
You soothed my pregnancy fears & doubts.

You gave input when needed.

I remember asking what you thought of the name Estelle.

You responded by telling me that you loved the name 

and had previously named your ukulele Estelle.
I don't know what it means that we were

 both so fond of the same name. Maybe it means nothing.

I do know that it will be fun for me to someday tell Lyla

 that her middle name is shared with your instrument.

I remember being so anxious for Lyla to arrive.
You came to my house with a trick up your sleeve.
You said this trick would help to promote natural induction. 

We laid on my bed and you read a beautiful perception of the labor process.

It was meant to relax my body and clear my mind. 

I listened to every word you said. 

And as you read to me, I felt tears fall from my eyes.

 I was so thankful you were here with me during such a huge transitional time.
Your love for Lyla was already so apparent.

You arrived to the hospital, sat by my side, and held my hand. 

After the delivery you were one of the first through the door with your camera.  

 And a few days after her birth, it was time for you to leave.
Our last goodbye was in Lyla's room.

 I was changing a diaper while simultaneously
attempting to soothe an upset baby. It was chaos.

You gave me a hug and told me you loved me. 

I never imagined that would be our last physical exchange. 

I thought there was so much more ahead for us. 

I thought you would be here to watch Lyla grow with me.

I thought there would be many more photo sessions. 

I thought you would help her learn about this crazy world.

You wanted to teach her the meaning of mischief.

I wanted for Lyla's face to light up when 

 I told her Laura was coming to town...

It is okay that you aren't here for those things. 

You did not want to be here and that is okay.

Someday I will tell Lyla all about you. 

She will know what a wonderful, magical, amazing person you were.
She will know how important you were to me. 

She will know you loved her.

Thank you for your wisdom.

I miss you, Laura Lee.